The case of the missing “Period”

Men cannot understand the delicious agony or terrible trauma of a “missed period” 

When you have a cycle that is 28 days long and very regular and you all of a sudden find yourself on day 38 with no sign then understandably you start to worry. All sorts of things cross your mind… Am I pregnant? Is it stress? Will it please hurry up! Oh is this the month we can celebrate? Dependent on what you want the outcome to be is obviously the factor in your mood.

I’ve found in the past, that whilst actively trying to reproduce, you are out to get a test the day you are due on. You are so eager to see if you have been successful that you just can’t help running out to buy a £4 test from Wilko’s (You don’t go and buy the expensive digital ones for fear of it being negative and you wasting £10 of precious cash) and on the rare occasion it comes out positive (in my case only the once) you throw a happy dance around the toilet! 

For me though, i had months and months and months of them coming back with a big fat negative. This as a woman is one of the most deflating feelings ever. You get a little bit neurotic when trying to conceive. You don’t want to feel like your body is failing you at it’s most natural function. You don’t want to believe that the man you are choosing to create with just cannot cough up the goods. But of course for some, conception is a long and ugly and often dark road of disappointment.  I was one of those people. How I became pregnant with “The Son” I will never know. Having tried and failed in the past, due to my ovary condition, it had just never happened. It’s never happened since (well not a healthy viable pregnancy anyway) 

Now I’ve given up on any more. In fairness I’m happy with that. I’m happy knowing that i have been blessed with one wonderful boy which some couples NEVER get the chance to have. So I know that my body did what it was supposed to just once.

It doesn’t stop you getting that little tingle of excitement though, when your period is late. It doesn’t stop you thinking “What if” while you wait for it to start. You even rather ridiculously start thinking you have “symptoms” 

At this moment in time i am 10 days late. I have a metallic taste in my mouth and sore boobs. But I’m not pregnant. I know for a fact I’m not pregnant. Yet it still makes me get a little bit tense. I could quite happily waste £4 on testing just to see a negative outcome but I’m not that cruel to myself any more. 

I’ll just sit here and keep waiting for it to come…..

Hopefully not 9 months though 😉

Tights…. a fascination?

Ok so a random blog about tights is yes at best a bit strange.

But i thought with my recent “thing” for tights (not a sexual fetish before you ask) i would explore my reasons for liking them so much. I like them colourful, thick and warm. They need to be comfortable, if they rub my groin then I’m afraid they have to go… nothing worse than irritating tights!

In some ways I’m the same when i choose friends. On the whole i like them to be comfortable. Have you ever had those friends who just make you feel uneasy? Like you don’t know what they are thinking? I like my friends to be see through. So i know where i stand. I also prefer them to not confuse me too much.

Which is probably why i only have a select few “close” friends who i spend time with. Most of them have been with me a long time, accept my weirdness and understand when i vanish off the radar for months at a time (I’m prone to this with being a possible manic depressive). In turn i also accept that they may not always have time for me. It happens. Real life always gets in the way right?

I do think though… this tights thing I’ve got going on is possibly getting out of hand.

Fear or Phobia?

I have the usual 6 monthly check up at the dentist on Wednesday.

For me a trip to the dentist is no big deal. I keep my teeth clean, I floss when I remember and swill mouthwash round when I can be bothered. But for some it is a genuine torture experience. Why is this? Why do we develop these irrational fears of stupid things that really, aren’t that scary?

For instance… Why the hell am I so terrified of wasps and spiders? Spiders can be squashed underfoot if they give you the evil eyes so why do I get sweaty palms and nervous if one so much as comes within 4 miles of me? Why do wasps instil the love of God into me? I mean honestly, the worst it can do is sting me which, while uncomfortable is sure as hell not the end of the world right? 

Is it because I have never actually been stung? Am I so terrified of how much it’s going to hurt that i have now turned it into this massive phobia that really isn’t logical? Maybe it’s something I need to get a grip on. I remember being out on a walk with the family when “The Son” was perhaps 3 months old. So he was in his pram and I was pushing. A wasp came out of nowhere, dived bombed at me and I ran. I left my pushchair on the pavement and I ran (obviously my family were there to rescue my poor son) but still, I ran away from an inch long insect just because it might have stung me. Pathetic. Some mother I am right? Alas, I still now panic and can’t cope if one is in my personal space. I had one attack me in the Post Office and it was buzzing around in my hair. I could have vomited. In fact i probably nearly did, all over the parcel we were posting to the winning bidder on an Ebay auction.

Wasps and Spiders are my only 2 phobias. I am not “In fear” of them… i am TERRIFIED of them. To the point of ridiculousness. I am scared of clowns but not in an over the top “bash one over the head with a pan” type way. So it brings me to the question…

“When does it stop being a fear and becomes a phobia?”

For me, it’s that point where you know that you could cry. E.T is another phobia of mine. I physically cannot look at him without shaking. He isn’t real but he is bloody ugly and scary and wrinkly and freaky and i am now sat here shuddering at the thought of him. Believe me, if we found a way to communicate with aliens and they looked like E.T… I’d be jumping off the nearest cliff quick smart. This phobia has built up over the years and now at almost 28 i appear frankly childish when i hide from him. I just can’t do it.

A fear is something that takes over a moment. A phobia takes over your WHOLE life.

My son… the comedian!

So i must say, i have one of the funniest children in the world. He comes out with some right gems and forever has me in stitches. I do not think in all reality that i could survive without him.

True Love is a myth… Or is it?

So I used to be a dreamer. I used to dream of Princes on white steeds coming to storm the castle to rescue me from the evil wicked witch. I always believed that life was like a Disney movie. I’ve touched upon the “Disney Effect” in a previous blog and how it lead all us fickle young ladies to believe that the “Happy Ever After” really does exist. But it doesn’t. 

Now don’t get me wrong. I have friends who have met “Mr Right” and are living in blissful ignorance to the rest of the broken world of relationships. I have friends who met “Mr Right” then realised that actually what they wanted was “Mr Wrong” and a bit of freedom afterwards. I also have the odd friend who has been with “Mr Idiot” and then ended up with “Mrs Right”, so as far as relationships go, it really is a free for all.

I have recently started to look at things a bit differently. Were we put on this earth to “Settle down”? Yes we were put on Earth to reproduce and whatnot but in all seriousness is Monogamy something that was there from the beginning? I’m guessing not. Marriage was introduced as a way of enslaving a woman to a man. It’s not some slushy romantic pleasure ride, it’s not two people meeting, falling in love and then declaring their undying love to each other. It’s a man, fooling a woman into signing a piece of paper that binds her to him for the rest of her days. 

Ever noticed that wedding rings are like mini handcuffs? No? I have….

So I am determined now, as an almost 28 year old to make my life about ME. Not Us. Don’t get me wrong, I feel incredibly guilty that I am essentially giving up on the little girl dream. I’m giving up on a relationship I have been in for nearly 7 years and I do feel that I am perhaps jumping into an unknown but I don’t want to be handcuffed any more. I want my freedom. I’ve done my time (it wasn’t an unpleasant time by any means and I will always have a bond with him as he’s my best friend) and now I want out. I want to feel the grass under my feet, not the concrete. I want to feel the fresh air, not the stale air of my captured cell.

I’m sure I am not alone with how I feel. I can imagine there are many stuck in old familiar relationships that are too damn scared to admit that actually it just isn’t working any more and they need to pack up and move on. It doesn’t always mean you no longer love that person but as I am coming to realise, L.O.V.E does not make the world revolve. L.I.F.E does. Living, that’s what I want to do.

Since being 17 I have, without the exception of perhaps 8 months in total, been in a relationship. Some healthy, some not so healthy and I wonder that as a serial relationship hopper, if I even know who I am any more. I don’t want to me introduced as “Oh this is so and so’s girlfriend” I want to be introduced as Amy. Yup being alone will be difficult. I don’t pretend it won’t be but it’s something that at this time in my life I both NEED and WANT to do. 

Some may call me a bitch. But I have tried. We both have. But sometimes fate throws two people together that in all reality should have probably run a mile from each other in the first place. To work as a team you have to have the same goal in mind. If your goals are polar opposites how can you ever expect to make it work? It won’t. No amount of dreaming about your big white castle is going to change that.

So have I met my soul mate yet? No I don’t honestly believe I have. I have definitely met men that have enriched my life., men that have certainly given me my fair share of heart ache. No doubt I in turn have given them their fair share of grief. I have laughed and cried with these men and at times would have given my all to make it work.

Am I becoming bitter in my old age? Probably so. I think that I have been through so much now that my heart is becoming little more than an icy block inside a very warm body. 

I haven’t always had a dim outlook on life. I think the three serious relationships I have been in have definitely shaped who I am now though.

Ex number 1 – He was without a doubt the most genuine, honest, faithful bloke I have ever met. Of course… I walked all over him. He made me feel like a princess and I used that to my utter advantage. I turned into a screeching harpy by the end of that one and I truly do not for one minute blame him for walking away when he did. We grew up and grew apart. Ironically out of the three… he is the only one who had the same goals as me. Yet he was just too nice and I made a royal cock up of that. Now he’s married to a really good friend of mine and that makes me smile you know. Knowing that someone does appreciate him in ways I never did.

Ex number 2 – This is where it all started to go pair shaped. This is where I thought I could save someone. Rather foolish of me. But after being with someone who was so dependable, I found this guy instantly attractive. He was bad news from word go but I couldn’t stop myself. I spent 18 months with this cretin. He wasn’t a great example of the male species. Nothing special to look at and an ugly heart. He leeches off women, breaks them and leaves them in a heap on the floor. Which he did. He cheated on me and still I was so pathetic to think I needed him. 

Number 3 – The father of my child. The one with whom I will always have a magical bond with. The one who probably hates me right now for how selfish I have become. We have been through so much. Pain, suffering, laughter, ups and downs. The one who I have found hardest to let go but I know I have to. Before I destroy him completely. 

It’s so difficult this thing called love. It is all consuming. It stops people having reason or logic. It’s a drug. It’s side effects are jealousy, crying, pain and ultimately that evil “Heart Break”. That’s the bitch. When you feel so out of breath that you feel like you could just lie down and never wake up. I’ve been there. 3 times now. I don’t want to do it again. 

So I’ve become the Ice Queen. I doubt anyone will ever thaw me out to be honest. When you have been used and messed around for so long you get to a point where YOU become that person. You become the person who tramples over hearts and leaves people in a heap. Do I want to do that to someone? No, not at all. 

For my own safety, This Ole heart of mine is being filed away in a box marked “Do not touch” 

So for now, I raise a glass to those who have left my life and made a difference. I raise a glass to those who entered my life and shattered all illusions to the “Disney Dream”. I raise a glass to the three men who single handedly made me the person I am today, whilst I’m not a soft sap any more, I’m also ballsy enough to know that from now on… I won’t settle for anything but the best. If the best never appears, then I will be happy with my own company. 

You do NOT need a SOMEBODY to make you a SOMEONE. You do NOT need someone to complete you. You are already complete, you just need to find the person who compliments that. 

I would like to dedicate this to J, C and A. 

How to Look Good Naked?

Is it really as simple as Gok makes it out to be? Can we really look good naked with better clothes and a haircut and colour?

Can we retrain the negative views we have about ourselves or does it take much more to see the good through the bad?

When i look in the mirror. I don’t see that when i make an effort i have really pretty hair or nice eyes. i don’t see that i have nice feet and slim wrists and a cute nose. All i see is cellulite, love handles, stretch-marks and a belly that resembles a pregnant hippo that is wallowing in a pool of mud.

Are we so trained into what the “Body Beautiful” image is, we miss the point entirely?  When i flick through women’s mags… it’s all about airbrushing and being perfect. Having no flaws is seen as correct. I don’t have an airbrush. I can’t “rub” my bad bits out with a really big eraser. So how on earth do us normal folk try to feel good about ourselves? Why do we get some sick perversion from seeing celebs with a face full of spots or sporting a belly like our own?

What is the secret to feeling good? I don’t honestly believe that i could find happiness in a well fitted dress and a bra that shoves my boobs under my chin. My issues are deeper rooted. From being teased at school for being overweight. Carrying that sort of baggage around with you gives you wrinkles, just another thing to add to my list of bad bits.

So i decided that enough is enough. I’m not going to keep concentrating on the bits of me that i hate. I’m going to find the bits that i LOVE. Like my eyes. I have really long eyelashes and eyes that remind me of  the colour of fresh new leaves. I have fairly slender ankles which for a weighty lass is quite an achievement. I also have nice wrists. I have to take links out of watches and adult bracelets are too big.

I have ok legs from the knee down. Yes my calves are muscular but at least they are solid and not wobbly like everything else! I like that i have 3 small moles on my leg that make up a triangle if i do a dot to dot. All these things make me who i am.

So… what i’m trying to say i guess is work with what you have! Don’t pull yourself down just because you may have a small muffin top or you have knobbly knees. Embrace your negatives and show off your positives. None of us are perfect. Even the slender beauties worry about their appearance.

Love yourself… flaws and all x

Mum’s the word!

Crikey, it’s been a while since i blogged… not that any of you miserable lot have missed me 😉

So i come here in a much healthier state of mind. After months of “Amy Bashing” i am finally giving myself a break and realising that YES i am only human and yes i make mistakes as much as the next idiot does. I can’t keep being so self critical when in all fairness i know that i’m a lazy bum who is happiest when at home with her family.

Talking about family… we have had a new addition… he came to us on the 12th July… the day before my 27th birthday (do not get me started on being 3 years away from 30… besides that’s a blog yet to come!) and he was a lovely surprise! After fighting off baby broodiness, coping with 2 phantom/missed pregnancies and feeling like i was no longer of any use to anyone… he was a welcome relief.

Ted is a Border Terrier… Terror would be more appropriate… he likes to nibble your fingers off, lick your face/hands/bum/private bits… yada yada… he eats his toys in minutes, eats like a horse and pulls you down the road like a trojan… He is a small dog with a BIG personality and he fits right in. Noah is slowly warming to him (he has a fear of dogs) and all is well.

He only has the occasional accident on the floor now… usually when he’s too busy ragging the crap out of his latest free wash ball or yet another sock he’s managed to pilfer from the wash pile. But on the grand scheme of things he was easier to potty train than Noah. LOL

This addition to our family has quickly been followed by the purchase of our first car. A mint green focus… she is beautiful. No doubt she will cause us as much trouble as the son and the dog do 😉

So all in all we are moving forward. No longer stuck in a time warp of going round and round and feeling sorry for myself. It had to stop.

I will be back… i have more to say but just wanted to bring a quick refresher to bring you up to date!

So long and thanks for all the fish x

Depression… It’s only good for curbing your hunger.

I sat thinking today… what is the point to depression? Why do we get depressed? Is depression something that we bring on ourselves through our moods and choices?

I have suffered with depression on and off since being young. It runs in our family. I have many friends who suffer with this bloody awful “disease”, yes it is a disease… it eats you from the inside like a tub full of maggots that devour a chicken carcass. For someone to explain what depression feels like, you have had to have suffered yourself.

For me depression is like a black case. There is no opening and no light switch. Everything seems to feel like you are underwater and you cannot find the surface, all you can do is keep swimming around in the dark abyss. Every day tasks take hours if not days to complete as you find you just cannot find the energy to do them. You feel constantly drained even when you have done nothing. You want to sleep and hide away and people suffer because of it.

I’m quite an upbeat, motivational person. I was once referred to as a “Mood Hoover” by an old colleague. Basically that is when you can affect everyone else by your mood. When you are on an up.. everyone is there with you, laughing and joking and having fun. The minute you hit a downer you SUCK the life out of a room. This really is true of me. Being quite a big personality i did find at work particularly that if i was on a high, the shift would be buzzing, but if i was in a foul mood, the whole world knew about it. Being a mood hoover isn’t actually that great. You feel guilty for having a bad day. When you want to be quiet and keep yourself to yourself… people constantly ask you “What’s wrong with you face ache?” because you aren’t your usual chirpy self. You know… sometimes i just want to be quiet… is that so difficult to accept? There isn’t ALWAYS something wrong, i’ve just perhaps run out of things to say.

When I think about the times I’ve suffered from depression and my distinct lack of confidence to go get it sorted, i go dizzy. I suffered terrible PTSD after having Noah. It took me 3 years to pluck up the courage to go and get help. My doctor refused to put me on Anti depressants and sent me for counselling. It helped but i found that I was giving my counsellor the answers… she didn’t get anything out of me i didn’t already know… but she did help me to accept that i do have faults, i do have times when i need to break down and NO I’m not a failure for doing so. There is nothing embarrassing about suffering from depression. It is no different than needing treatment for cancer… it IS an illness. It can be debilitating for yourself and those around you. But you should never feel ashamed for needing help… we all need help sometimes.

For me, depression is my biggest monster. I can only keep it out my closet for so long at a time before it comes back to nibble my toes, testing the waters before it throws itself in and gobbles me whole without even having the decency to chew me first. You notice the initial signs and you can for so long fight it off but there is always something that happens to just tip the balance and then off you go on your little dark sink into the rabbit hole.

I believe Lewis Carroll was a manic depressive. He must have been to have written Alice in Wonderland. The fall into the rabbit hole is symbolic for me, and in some ways… Wonderland IS like depression. You wander round in a daze and do not grasp anything that is happening around you. Your mind becomes fuzzy and nothing makes sense any more. Unfortunately there is no white rabbit or Queen shouting “Orf with his head” but you get the general idea. Unless you have been to “Wonderland” you can never understand how badly it affects your life. How it consumes every thought and feeling. You become emotionally numb, yet you cry at nothing. You feel empty yet your head is full of thoughts. Depression is incredibly ironic if you think about it.

I can recognise my depressions now. They are usually triggered by stupid things… like losing a job. Having too much time to dwell on things is good for no one. So i know for now i need to try and keep myself busy so i don’t sit and dwell and feel sorry for myself. Noah picks up on my moods and becomes a terror. This upsets me as again i am “mood hoovering” which i really don’t wish to do.

I’m not sure if i’m trying to make a point with this blog. I just needed to let out a few thoughts i’d had.

Depression is a state of mind… if your mind is in a state, quite often you’re depressed. On the same token it IS an illness and like most illnesses you have to be treated to cure it. So instead of trying to be brave and fighting it alone (Like me! TUT!) get the help you need and don’t be ashamed of it.

Until next time guys and gals… don’t be a mood hoover x

Who do you let rule? Your heart or your head?

So i guess i’ve always been a girl who lets her head rule. I’ve never really trusted my heart to make good solid decisions for me as it only ever ended up with me being hurt. But what is life without a little risk?

When i look at life, i wonder just what way i am supposed to go. Do i follow the path i’ve followed for 26 years… bit of a beaten track that has been tramped down before or do i take chances and go down the road that has no visible footpath. Just lush green tempting grass and delicious looking berries i could pick and eat on the way.

My good old reliable head always kicks in at the last minute. “Behave yourself Amy” it scolds me. “Don’t take chances Amy” it chides me. “Shut up” I inwardly scream. I’m cautious and a worrier. Nothing will change that and to be honest part of me is too frightened to change that part of myself but inside i am SCREAMING for something new. To be that free person that follows her heart and doesn’t keep over analysing every sneeze or cough.

So how do we end up becoming a “Heart or head” person. Suppose it depends on our rationale. Whether we like to take risks or just keep on the safe and narrow. Don’t get me wrong i don’t want to be in trouble with the law or go bungee jumping but there are things in life i have wanted AND needed to do and just never done them because of “What if?”

“What if….” two words which can rule how you live your life. “What if i get my heart broken again” “What if the rollercoaster i’m on breaks down and kills me” “What if i regret it later?” see… i am over analysing everything ALL the time. I have great gut instinct. I know when something feels wrong or makes me uncomfortable… i avoid those situations like the plague but sometimes i have GREAT feelings and still i hold back. The “fear” holds you back.. my fear is my “head” she doesn’t trust my heart. My heart makes fool hardy choices that make every inch of my soul ache. My heart likes to believe the best in everyone he meets. He likes to believe that not everyone is out to get you and that you CAN have the life you want to live.

My head doesn’t trust. My head has always been the one to pick up the fragile pieces after said heart has messed up again. But my heart keeps my brain alive. He gives her vital oxygen to keep her focused. So without my heart, my brain would be useless.

I suppose its a bit like reversed conscience. My heart is “Good”, pure and open to suggestions and always wanting to take the rose tinted spectacles route. My head is “Evil”… stopping me from throwing caution to the wind and making me hurt in a different way.

The learning curve we go through as a human is intense. Animals wake up, eat, poop, mate, eat, sleep. We get up, analyse, eat, analyse, poop, drink, get involved in relationships that break us apart, eat, poop, analyse, regret, hurt, laugh, love and sometimes live. We are complex creatures and sometimes i wish i was a dog and the only thing i had to worry about was who’s arse i sniffed next.

So… what about you? Do you let your heart rule in the hope that dreams really do come true? Or do you, like me, let their miserable brain stamp on any good feeling before the heart does it for me? x

Gooooooooooood Morning Voters!

Looks like judgement day is knocking for Gordon Brown today.. How will it go? Where will we be this time in 10 years? I for one have voted for the first time in my 26 years on this Earth. Yep, i understand that women fought for the privilege to let me vote, but in fairness this has been the first year i’ve actually been concerned about who runs this country. I have always plodded on in my little working life… not really been bothered who is in charge as it never really affected me. As you get older though, you notice things more. You take note of the shocking state of NHS hospitals, the lack of public services, the increasing cost of living in general and you suddenly start to care. You suddenly get this mad urge to read through 4 or 5 boring “manifestos” to see which one best applies to you and your family. None of them really do. They all have great bits but they all tell MASSIVE lies anyway so why do we foolishly vote in the hope that just once they will keep their word? Because we have to i suppose.

Politics doesn’t interest me. It is like exercise… rubbish but essential. If you want a decent body you have to exercise hard, same as if you want the Government that YOU want, you have to vote for it.

So today… don’t be a couch potato… get on your political exercise bike and go vote already!